Life sucks. Everyone is a phony. You do not have true friends. You are on your own. End of story. Now go kill yourself.

The best way I can describe how I’m feeling right now is by using a scene in my favorite movie of all time: How to Train Your Dragon. It’s the scene where Hiccup takes Toothless for their first flight. (Check out the video clip on Youtube). It goes from the awe of actually flying on a dragon, to the sheer panic of losing control, to the determination of just winging the controls of the tail, to then having the most magnificent  flying experience ever. All those emotions are wrapped up into two minutes of a movie. For me, I am feeling all those and more all at the same time. It’s really difficult to explain.

There is a tightness in my chest, my heart is beating a little faster, I can’t focus, I feel like I am about to cry, i fell like screaming and I just don’t know what the fuck to do except write about it. Or take myself out of it, somehow. Writing about it helps to sort the feelings out a little. Makes things less murky in my head. But then I ask the question: am I going insane?

I mean think about this: I already know I have an anxiety problem. I also know that I tend to feel things a little stronger than normal people, both physically and emotionally. But with several episodes like this a week, and waking up with anxiety attacks, should I be worried that I’m losing my mind? Maybe it is time I go see that therapist after all.

Hmm…I don’t know. And mind you the whole time I’m typing this I have a smile on my face and in my head I am laughing at just how ridiculous I am. :-D

On a more sad note, one that thinking about it now is actually bringing tears to my eyes, I have discovered that I find it difficult to truly have fun anymore. Especially in the company of others.My insecurities and my anxieties have escalated so much that I’d rather hide myself in my room which is quite pathetic because while in that room all I do is wish to be out there hanging out with friends. But when I am out there all I want to do is run back to my room and hide.

I feel so pathetic.

and then I get so angry for feeling the way I do.

Why can’t I just be fucking normal.

And then I start judging myself for even writing about all the shit going on in my brain and then I lose the courage to keep typing because I am scared that people will read it and judge me and then I judge myself for thinking that people will judge me and then I tell myself to get over myself and then i try to stifle the fear without any success and then it just turns into the viscous cycle that I can’t escape. A cycle of constant fear and judgement.

And the worst thing is, I am scared of asking for help. And I keep telling myself, it’s all in your head Hephy. It’s all in your head.

How did this happen to me? How did I become so unstable? so fragile?

I just need to stop giving a fuck.

I just say the movie Hugo and I have to say i am completely in love with it. At first I could not get into it because I was being judgement of the acting. But then I shut up the little nagging voice and just let myself be sucked into the story and what I found was magic. I am not a movie critic so I don’t know  really how to explain what was so captivating about it. What I can say though was whatever the director did to create magic in that movie worked. I have not been moved by a story or movie so much in a very long time.

(spoiler alert)

The story is that of a young boy who is trying to fix a machine in search of a secret message from his dead father. In his quest he is not only able to fix that machine, but he was also able to help an old man find his purpose again. At the end of the movie the old man, Papa George gives a speech saying “tonight, i address you as wizards” (paraphrased). And I think that line, and the movie as a while surmises my idea of what magic really is.

Magic is something we find for ourselves. Magic is something we can create for ourselves. I believe that magic is finding the joy in something you absolutely love doing. For some, it’s acting, for some, it’s art, or music, or computer programing. For me, I find magic in a lot of things. Mostly visual and/or performing arts.

For example, there is always something magical in seeing a play or musical on stage. Or reading a great book or play. Or listening to the kind of music I love. Or seeing a movie like Hugo.Or seeing a live concert. Those things bring a sort of magic with them. i find the things i love and enjoy and in those things lie all the magic I need to fix the broken world around me. I find solace, safety, companionship, laughter, sadness, love, freedom, courage, pleasure, in these things.

The reason why i love watching people dance is to see the smile on their face as they do it. Because to me, that dancer is creating her magic at that moment. She is finding her magic and she is playing magic tricks on her audience through her movements.And when she smiles, when she shows that she is truly enjoying what she is doing, THAT is the most magical moment of the performance.

I guess what I am trying to say is magic does exist. it is different for each person. You just have to find it in yourself and for yourself.

For me, creating magic is working in the Theatre.

So, here is to finding your own magic. And creating it!

Or I could just be crazy :-)

Here we go. I am having my third emotional (and mental) breakdown of the year. I’m a nut, in case you didn’t know this before. I have serious emotional issues that need help. My mind is twisted and fucking fucked up. Yup. I have tried to kill myself before, I am constantly depressed, and when I see others happy it just makes me even more fucking depressed.

Why am I so depressed you ask? It’s simple. I’ve had a fucked up life. And even better, this year has been the most fucked up year of my entire life. I have been more angry and more depressed this year alone, than I have been my entire 20 years before this. Yeah.

And you know what my problem is (apart from being depressed and angry and hurt)? I am scared of telling anyone because I am scared of being judged. You wanna know what my biggest fear on earth is? Being judged and gossiped about. Why? because all my life, I have dealt with judgement and censure from those whom I truly sought approval from (aka, parents, family and some close friends). And well, all those years of being told I’m not good enough or I complain too much, or I’m a selfish bitch has resulted in me believing those things about myself. And when you already believe you have some horrible qualities you do not want to hear about it from others. You don’t want anyone knowing those bad qualities about you.

So I keep it all inside. Screwed tight so no one knows the storm going on in your mind. But it builds up. It keeps building up and building up till it starts pushing against that lid you’ve put on it and it starts spilling over little by little. So you push down harder on it and the pressure keeps increasing, getting higher and higher until finally it explodes and you shatter into a million pieces and all your shit is on Facebook because you can no longer contain it and you feel like you just want to die!

Now everyone knows you are stark crazy. Everyone knows you have serious problems. Now you have to face your fears up front. What will people think? what will they say? That you are just trying to get attention for yourself? That you need to stop holding a pity party for yourself? That you just need to fucking suck it up and deal with it? Or worse, that you are a lying bitch?

Three breakdowns in a year. Quite an accomplishment if you ask me. Most of the time I’m pretty close to normal. I have not attempted suicide again since May. I’ve been holding up pretty well until the past two weeks. It took all year for me to finally spill over. But here it is. I’m handling it pretty well to my surprise. I wish I could cry though. Just let the tears flow and let the hurt flow with it…But I don’t cry anymore. I can’t. Oh trust me I try. I shed a few tears tonight and that was it. I didn’t bawl my eyes out to the point of having a migraine. I don’t have puffy eyes or a running nose. Nope. I don’t cry anymore. I mean I cry for movies and such but that is all superficial. I don’t genuinely cry anymore.

So here it is. My final breakdown of the year, I hope. And I am putting it out there for the world to see. Let them think or say what they will. I don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me. I don’t need any pity. Just understanding that I am slowly losing my mind. And hope that I will stop judging myself just let myself be, you know. It’s mostly all in my head. I know that. But I can’t make it stop.

So I think I have done enough ranting for tonight. If you see me looking like a zombie, you know why. Don’t ask how I’m doing; you might offer me a hug but that just might make me cry. But have no fear. I will survive. I always do, even if barely.

It has been so long since I posted on here. I could make a number of excuses as to why but it doesn’t really matter. Truth is I have been busy dealing with life and I have not had anything to write about. Neither have had felt inspired to write. But now I do have something to write about and boy have I got the inspiration.

Two months ago my life seemed to me to be a disaster. I had almost committed suicide (don’t ask), my problems seemed to be escalating and there seemed absolutely no way out. Now, I am happy to say that things are slowly turning around. I actually have something I am looking forward to now and I am so excited about it. School starts in less than three weeks and I have a strong feeling that it is going to be the most exciting year I have had since my senior year of high school; four years ago. It is going to be exciting for many reasons but the two most important are: I am starting a new major, and I am moving out of the house. Of course it all still seems unreal to me and it won’t be until I actually move into, and settle down in my new home. It is truly a dream come true. In fact, it still feels quite like a dream.

Some things happened in the past few months that have left a permanent scar on me. I lost the trust and friendship of a dear friend of mine and I really don’t know if I will or how to get it back. We hurt each other and it seems neither of us is really ready to let things go. It is true that when friends hurt each other, it is very difficult to forgive. But, the fact that we find it hard to forgive each other means we really trusted each other in the first place, and our friendship was true. at least for me it was.

But I believe that things happen for a reason. Why all those horrible things happened to me, I may not know now. But I hope it was not in vain. I do not wish anyone to suffer like that for no reason.

The past is the past. And I guess this post is my way of letting go of things. I have thought about the best way to forgive myself and forgive those who hurt me and I have found that writing about it is the ultimate way for me to let it go. After this, I will put the past behind me, put on a brave face, and face my future hoping that my wounds will heal and I’ll have to courage to face my worst nightmares.

I am still quite scared of what the future holds. In fact, I’m scared of what could happen before the year runs out. I fight that fear everyday, because fear will cause me to screw things up and I have had enough of that.

Basically, what i’m trying to say is this:

1) I am doing a lot better now than I was 2 months ago

2) I am sorry to my dear friend

3) I am looking forward to the rest of the year even though I am scared to death.

A lot of times I go to places and I feel totally or partially out of place. This feeling has been reinforced greatly over the past two years since I moved from California where all my old friends are. I have tried finding friends, people I have stuff in common with, people I can hang out with and be my self around. But I have found it difficult to do for some reason. I have thought and thought about why I have not been able to make close friends in two years or why I have not fit into a particular group completely yet. I do not have a definite answer, but I do have some speculations as to why. I have made many observations about myself especially when in a group or crowd.

I am naturally shy. I am a very shy girl especially around people I have not know for long. I become even more shy and withdrawn when I feel that the people around are not ready to have someone new in their midst. I think it is because I am so afraid of rejection and hurt. I am so afraid that that group I very much want to be a part of will tell me that they don’t want me or I don’t fit in. And indeed when I look around, I see that I stick out like a sore thumb. There is no body else around like me. Most of the time, I’m the only fat, black girl around or the only black girl around and I do get self conscious in such situations. I try to tell myself to just jump right in and do my own stuff but such stuff is not easy for someone like me.

I read an article lately about how society treats shy people and how shyness or introvert-ness should be embraced instead of frowned upon. Most of the people who are considered “cool” or “fun-to-be-around” or “totally popular” are the extroverts. Where as, introverts are just as cool and fun to be around; you just gotta get to know them. Unfortunately not everyone has the patience to get to know someone who isn’t out going or “fun” right off the bat.

Ask my close friends and they’ll tell you just how nuts and “fun” I am. Writing this blog has helped me realize that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I don’t need to prove how fun I am, or beg anyone to accept me into their clique. Those few who take the time to truly know me are those worth knowing me. I won’t waste my time competing for the most fun personality, or miss congeniality.

Anyway, I have digressed from the real reason I wanted to write this. I feel like I don’t fit into one particular group. Even those groups I wanna be a part of, I am still so different from them. I have a different background, different experiences, mostly different views of the world and I am yet to find a group of people who are close enough to me for me to fit right in. On the plus side though, I have so many interests that I could half-way fit into a diverse amount of groups. I hate to sound like I am labeling people. I am not. But in reality, people do move in groups and cliques and I guess what I am trying to say (and doing a terrible job at it) is that I am yet to find a clique which I would fit into and which would accept me freely.

I am getting tired of working extra hard to be noticed. I am shy, yes. But why is the world so much more difficult for shy and introverted people? Why is it so much harder to make friends? Why is it, that if someone doesn’t immediately get chatty with you, you think of the person as uptight and you just walk away not bothering to make friends with that person. In reality, she might just be terrified of talking to you and doesn’t know what to say because she is not used to conversing with someone she doesn’t already know.

Maybe if you had stuck around a little longer or probed a little deeper she might have opened up like a beautiful flower in the spring and you would get to know an amazing person who could just turn out to be the bestest friend you’ve ever had.

Introverted people, like me, are truly amazing individuals. I for one, like to think before I do things. My best friend says I’m too ‘logical’ for my own good. I like to play things safe. I am not used to putting myself out there for the world to see. But, that doesn’t mean I am uptight or snobby. I just don’t know what to say. I am not about to change who I am anytime soon. I just hope that somewhere down the road, I get to meet a handful of people who give me the chance to blossom, who give me time to warm up to them enough to be the chatter box that my friends in California know me to be. Until then, I will keep moving around in circles until I warm up enough to “jump right in and do my own stuff”.

If you are an introvert like me and you are still looking for friends patient enough to get to know you, add a comment about how you see things in light of this post.